"What we play is life."

Maybe I will be a single mother some day.

I mean, I'm almost twenty. I used to think that I had so much time to find the right guy and figure out my plans for the future. But I'm already almost twenty. I used to think that it didn't matter if I didn't find the right guy here at WSU, because it would be better to find him at graduate school. But what if all the good guys I meet at graduate school are already married? By the time I actually start my career, I will be almost 27. Isn't that weird? God, grad school takes forever. What if I graduate with my PhD and start my career, and I haven't even been in a relationship since before undergrad school?

That would be okay. Because it's still so hard to imagine really trusting and depending on someone else. I just can't picture myself in a serious, committed relationship. All I can picture is getting to the point where I need to commit, and then getting freaked out and bailing.

So maybe instead of having that traditional get-married-and-have-kids stuff, I'll start my career and adopt a baby when I'm 30. Heidi did it, in the play I read for my Art Theory class this semester. And the character only did it because the author did it in real life. It was the best choice for her, and she was happy because of it. If the best choice for me is to stay single and adopt a child, then I will do that.

I can't believe life is changing so fast. For so long, I've been a teenager wishing I was an adult. Now, I am clinging to the last dregs of my teenage years and staring life right in the face. Lisa and Renee graduated yesterday. In two short years, that will be me. I will walk, shake Floyd's hand, and receive my Bachelor's Degree. Then I'll leave WSU. I have five years in graduate school after that, and then I'll walk again, shake someone else's hand, and receive my PhD. And then what?

I'm almost twenty.

Why am I having an early life crisis? This is ridiculous.

But it's still surprising to realize that I'm no longer that angry teenage girl, trying to escape from her parents and take control of her own life. Now I'm almost in my twenties. I'm halfway through my undergrad school. I have all these adult responsibilities. Life is changing.

It just took me by surprise, that's all.